A Christmas Post from Me *cross posted in A Wonderers Notes

I know I haven't posted in a while.

The thing is, I want these blogs to be a place of light, or at least a place where there is mostly positivity and frankly, I haven't been feeling to positive lately.  I need to find a new neurologist because after seeing the current one for almost two years he still has no idea who I am or what my condition is (and I have to remind him every time I see him). Friends from the past have moved on, and I honestly don't blame them in the slightest.  My life was essentially put on hold when I was 29 years old, while theirs continued to go on.  I may still be aging, but I'm stuck in a kind of limbo.  It is always frustrating when I can't plan for things when I don't know how I'm going to feel ahead of time.
Anyway the person I get most annoyed and frustrated with is myself.  That doesn't do my mood any good.  So I haven't been very talkative.  And well, the holidays haven't always been the best (my dad died 30 years ago this year on the 23rd.  Last year I had a spinal tap a few days after Christmas and wound up with a low pressure headache and couldn't sit up until well into January.  So those are just two examples.).  I try to have that feeling, but sometimes it seems like the harder I do, the less it comes.

But I am incredibly lucky.  Something happened a few weeks ago, and I feel the need to share it because it helps explain just how lucky I actually am.  I went with my sister and brother in law down to the Christmas Village they had set up in the city (around city hall this year, which was actually a great location.).  While we were walking around, a man stopped me and was asking me to donate to this children's charity.  When I said to him, "I'm sorry, I wish I could, but I'm on disability; I can't afford it." he looked at me like he didn't quite believe me, but still left me with a "Well, God bless you and have a Merry Christmas."

I felt a little like Scrooge from A Christmas Carol.  But, its the truth that I can't afford to help, and I don't blame him one bit if he didn't believe me, because looking down at my boots, clothes, and LL Bean wool coat, I probably wouldn't have believed me either.  But the thing is, all those things? My mom bought them for me.  If she hadn't, I'd be wearing clothes from when I was 100 lbs. heavier, I don't even remember what the coat looked like that I wore when I was that heavy, but it wasn't in great shape anymore, and shoes with holes in them.  Not to mention that I don't get enough to live on, so I would be living on the streets myself if it wasn't for my family.  For the approximately six months between when I had to leave my job and before I was approved for social security I didn't have any insurance, so my mom (and then at one point posthumously my stepdad)  paid my medical bills.

So I owe everything to my mom and my family.  I wouldn't be anywhere without them, and especially her.

THE TROUBLES (ALTERNATE VERSION)

I am my own worst enemy.  I argue with myself on a daily basis and for the longest time, that voice in my head has been a negative one that likes to point out my flaws.  

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before or not, but if I did, it needs to be stated again for emphasis here.  

There have been more times in the past where the negative voice in my head wins out over the other ones.  And you know what I mean by "voices", like in that Pixar movie "Inside Out"?  Like that.  It got so that I could only hear the negative.

So its interesting, when I hear both versions of this song, intellectually I know its about an argument between two people who have had a lot of tension between them for a long time, for me its an argument with myself and its dealing with depression.

You think it’s easier
To get your fingers out of trouble
The trouble is you
You think it’s easier
To keep your hands out of trouble
When the trouble is you

But then:

I have a will for survival
So you can hurt me then
And hurt me some more
I can live with denial
But you’re not my troubles anymore

Each time you try to fight against the negativity its difficult, because it feels stronger than you.  But, there is a glimmer of hope in the song:

I stepped outside 
Like I had never seen the night before
Looking at the stars
That never looked so bright before
This crooked heart 
It never felt so light before
A brand new man
A brand new man
Yes I am

It's still a daily struggle, and, to borrow from another U2 song, some days are better than others. 

U240

40 years.

Wow.  

I've been a fan for 24 of those years.  Sometimes its still hard for me to believe its been that long (and that the 90's were 20 years ago, lol).  Like, right now, I am the same age the boys were when they were recording Pop.  Now, I LOVE Pop.  Popmart was my first U2 concert that I saw IN PERSON (I saw ZooTV live from Sydney on Pay-per-view when they still called it that, instead of On Demand).  Ok well, two of them (Bono and Adam.).  Still, though, that's a bit of a trip.  

Anyway.  40 years ago Larry put up the notice on the bulletin board and they all met in his kitchen.  The rest is history.  They were first Feedback, Then The Hype, then finally U2.  Of course, if you're reading this, you already know that, lol.  They're not that old, how can they be around for 40 years?!?  Oh yeah, they were babies when they formed.  I mean 14-16.  I had no clue what they heck I was doing when I was 14!  Of course, half the time I don't know what I'm doing now, but that's beside the point (I'm going to blame the ADD and meds...yeah, that sounds good, push it onto something else...but it is a side effect...sorry, back to the blog).

And you know, bless youtube, because you can hear their first single thanks to them:

Out of Control

I love this song.  No really.  There were so many times I heard this and I was like, "Dude, you get it!"

Boys and girls
Go to school, and girls
They make childrenNot like this one   

Yup, I always knew I wasn't like everyone else, and that one stood out right away.

I'm out of control
You say
Out of control
I'm out of control
Out of control
Out of control
Out of control

I fought fate
There's blood at the garden gate
The man said childhood
It's in his childhood 

One day I'll die
The choice will not be mine
Will it be too late
You can't fight fate 

I don't know if my life has ever been in control.  I certainly don't ever think I've had any control over it.  I've recently decided that the best idea is to just live each day and deal with everything as it comes.  At least I don't I don't owe or am late on anything or anything like that.  Trust me, my nerves couldn't take that.  

Its funny, but on each album, there's always a song that specifically grabs me. Sometimes there's more than one.  

Boy-'Out of Control' and 'The Ocean'
October-'October', 'Tomorrow' (dude, the uilleann pipes!), and 'Stranger in a Strange Land' 
War-(other than the obvious FAMOUS ones) 'Drowning Man', 'Seconds'
Unforgettable Fire- Oh Man, this whole album...but 'Promenade' and 'MLK'
Joshua Tree-can we just take a moment...this album is just...*sigh*  it is special for me, you know that, but yeah...'One Tree Hill', that song is so cathartic for me.  'Running to Stand Still', IDK why, but that song hits something inside of me that it affects me every time I listen to it. 
Rattle and Hum-Ok, IMHO this is one of their under appreciated albums.  There are SO MANY good original songs on it too.  I guess I have to narrow it down though, so here I go: Heck, lets just go with the back to back trio of 'Angel of Harlem', 'Love Rescue Me', and 'When Love Comes to Town'.  Honestly, I could probably list every one of the original songs on this album.  All I Want is You is a brilliant love song.  Ok, ok, I'll stop there.
Achtung Baby!- You probably don't even have to guess on this one: 'Acrobat'.  Also 'Ultraviolet(Light My Way)', and 'Tryin' To Throw Your Arms Around The World' hold special places in my heart.  Something just happens to me when I hear them.
 Zooropa-Oh Zooropa.  I don't know what it is about you, but you are an album that I will love forever.  I sort of didn't like 'Daddy's Gonna Pay for Your Crashed Car' for a few months, but that ended quickly and I just can't help but love this whole piece of art.  I even wanted Zooropa to be my nickname ever since 94.  It never caught on.  In fact I didn't have a nickname among friends until I got to college, but that's a different story.  But yeah, there are two songs that when I first heard the album and subsequently every time I listen to it still effect me.  They are 'Stay(Faraway, So Close!)', and 'The First Time'.
Pop-Ok...geez.  Ok, I'm gonna narrow it down to four.  This is hard though, because once again, this is one of my favorite albums (even though it has my least favorite U2 song on it-Miami).  'If God Will Send His Angels' (any version of it), 'Staring at The Sun' is just a brilliant song and is even more amazing when done acoustic, I love love LOVE 'The Playboy Mansion' and how it talks about making your dreams come true in a corrupt world (or at least that's one of my takes on it),  and 'Please' which is a great song a wonderful video performance.  One of my favorite Anton Corbjin/u2 videos.  
ATYCLB- Yeah, there are a lot of songs I could pick from this album.  There are a lot of songs on this album that mean a heck of a lot to me.  and this time, I'm really going to narrow it down to one.  Because I can't go on and on because I've already talked about a few of them on this blog before.  So that song is 'Peace on Earth'.  
Heaven on Earth
We need it now
I'm sick of all of this
Hanging around
Sick of sorrow
Sick of pain
Sick of hearing again and again
That there's gonna be
Peace on Earth
Yeah, just...yeah.
HTDAAB-This keeps getting harder and harder.  You know, Bono has said that Edge would remix every u2 album if he could.  Something about being the perfectionist.  I don't doubt that.  I get like that with drawings and paintings sometimes.  Not that I'm trying to compare myself to any of the band (that thought is laughable), but I empathize.  Anyway,  I would like to take a moment to highlight 'One Step Closer' for its simple beauty and 'Yahweh'.  I'll admit, though, I prefer 'Yahweh' live than the album version.  It just has this sweet, flowing, lyrical quality to it then.
NLOTH-This album is really growing on me more and more.  Like, initially 'I'll Go Crazy...' and 'Moment of Surrender' were my two favorites, but 'White as Snow' is something I'm really digging right now.  So there's always something new to discover.

And now of course we have:

Songs (or Son gs) of Innocence-OK, first of all, I was one of the people who was HAPPY that Apple gave this to us for free on our devices.  It was right around my 34th birthday, so its was almost like my favorite band gave me a bday gift of a new album.  That and I don't have a lot of money so yay(!) new album and I didn't have to pay for it!! (that being said have I bought other versions of it? Well, ok yes, a vinyl version, because, well, VINYL, and I had money saved up from loose change collected.).  This album is stellar.  Its fantastic.  I love it.  Its one of the ones that is on heavy rotation still.  And once again, its hard to narrow down.  'Song for Someone' once again is a brilliant love song.  'Iris' reminds me of my dad, and I even have an idea for a painting that was inspired by that song.  'Every Breaking Wave'...just wow.  But ok, ok...'The Troubles', sonically, that song just gets to me.
Somebody stepped inside your soul
Somebody stepped inside your soul
Little by little they robbed and stole
Till someone else was in control
With that heartbeat drum in the background.  Chills the first time you hear it.  And Adam's bass line is a nice surface for Edge's notes to float over.  I love how I sound like I know what I'm talking about.  I don't, but that's how the song sounds to me.  Its like I'm trying to put the song into visuals because that's the only way I can explain artistic things.  

Ok, wow, I really didn't mean this to be my dissertation on all the albums.  I guess I just got started and the rambling took over.  If there's one thing about us U2 fans, its that we all have our own opinions, many of us are passionate.  A lot of us have big hearts.  

Some of us have been around the whole 40 years.  Some of us have only been around for 40 days.  You know what?  It really doesn't matter how long you've been a fan.  Do you love the music?  Does it touch you in some way?  Does it help fill that hole inside, wherever it came from?  Hey, guess what, you're a u2 fan.  

Welcome to the tribe.  

So...

Did anyone else watch Bono on Charlie Rose last night?

I may be biased (yeah, ok I am, I'm not ashamed to admit it), but an interview with him is always good to me.

I can't say I disagreed with anything he really said there (I don't actually know Secretary Clinton, so I'm going to have to go with him on that one, since he actually does know her.).

In case you didn't see it, or you don't get the show where you live (I apparently have someone reading this in France, merci, and I know Cris is in Romania, and quite frankly I'm technologically challenged enough to not know if they stream the show when it airs here in the States) here is a link from Charlie Rose's own website:

Bono on Charlie Rose

SOMETIMES YOU CAN'T MAKE IT ON YOUR OWN

Tomorrow is my 36th birthday.  I don’t say that to try to get a comment or anything, its just to show you where I’m coming from.  

There have been a lot of times when I have been thinking about my biological father, and there’s been a number of recent instances that have brought him to mind.  One of which was an old friend of his coming up to my mom and me after church to say hello and tell me that I look just like him.  To say I was speechless was an understatement (especially considering we haven’t lived in our old neighborhood where we did when Dad died since 1989.  Dad died 30 years ago this December.).  Anyway, because of this there has been more than once when I’ve felt guilty that I’m not spending the same time on my step-dad, who died 4 years ago.  

I knew my step dad better than my dad.  I love them both very very much, but in different ways.  And yeah, there are probably more than one song that reminds my of my dad, but SYCMIOYO in a lot of ways, that one belongs to my step dad.  

We didn’t fight that much.  We had a few arguments at first, but I think that was more a getting to know you thing, and we always apologized…usually about ten minutes later…and it was usually me because I was the one in the wrong.  You know how with teenagers things can happen.  God bless him, he’d never dealt with girls before, so he was learning as he went.  Luckily most of this never happened when my mom was around.  

Tough, you think you've got the stuff

You're telling me and anyone

You're hard enough 

That was one thing about him, though.  He was so very stubborn.  In that case, he fit in well in my family because all of us are really (some more than others).  But really, the lines that really hit home in the song, that remind me of him when I hear it are these:

Let me take some of the punches

For you tonight

Listen to me now

I need to let you know

You don't have to go it alone

and then these:

And it's you that makes it hard to let go 

Sometimes you can't make it on your own

Sometimes you can't make it 

The best you can do is to fake it

Sometimes you can't make it on your own

See, he died in 2012 of a stroke at age 87, almost 88.  He just fell asleep in his chair before lunch.  Mom was in the kitchen making sandwiches, and I was sitting on the other side of him.  She called over to him to wake him up so we could eat, and he didn’t.  We kept trying to, but he wouldn’t wake up.  That’s when we called for an ambulance.  He spent over two weeks in the hospital, but he never woke up, and when they did a scan they found out there had been a number of small clots that had gotten to his brain at some point during the whole thing too, not just the initial stroke.  My mom is in the hospital every day.  I was there every day I could be there (there were some days I had to be at home because we had renovations that were being done that had been planned way before everything had happened.).  I hated seeing this man who never looked or acted his age lying there dying in a hospital bed, but I couldn’t not be there.  

There was another thing too…I’d never actually been in the room when someone died.  I won’t lie, that scared the crap out of me.  I don’t know why, I mean, I’ve dealt with and been around death before.  I mean, I’m Irish-I’ve been to more funerals than weddings in my life.  That being said, I had never been in the room when someone’s life had ended, especially someone that I loved.  But you know what?  It was peaceful, for him at least.  And I was able to say goodbye at the end.  

I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am if it wasn’t for my step dad.  I hope he knew how much I loved him.  My mom says he did.  I hope she’s right.  

So, I finally started my personal blog.

If anyone from here wants to check it out, here the link:

A Wonderer's Notes

Hey all, I'm still here

Once again, I had every intention of posting something last week, but life got in the way again.

So my family went down the shore (which for those that aren't from South East Pennsylvania means the beaches of Southern New Jersey, which are filled with little island resort towns.).  We've been doing that since I was a baby.  Two days before going down I had my second round of Botox injections for my chronic migraines.  So far its not working, but the Dr said that it could take up to three rounds to really take effect.  We'll see.  The wifi that was at the place we rented was a little wonky, but then again, the extender at home has been acting up to so who knows.

OF course while I was off there has been a lot action in the U2 world.  A new song (or a version of) has been heard, and if you haven't caught it yet, get over to youtube before it gets taken down.  I really like it!  Its got a great beat and I'm digging the lyrics I could make out.

Also a very happy anniversary to Bono and Ms Ali.  May we all be lucky enough to find a love like yours in our lives.  (Yes, I know they will never read this, but I still wanted send the happy vibes out into the universe, so to speak).

And of course, lastly, the rumors are that the new album, Songs of Experience, will be out in either September or October.  Selfishly I'm hoping for the middle of September because that's when my birthday is, but really, whenever it comes out, I'll be happy.

Now, as just a side note, when people judge too harshly on new music that they hear.  I was out doing yard work that needed to be down way before when I was doing it, and I was listening to my music library on random while working.  Now, if I had to pick a least favorite U2 album, I guess it would be NLOTH, just because its the one I listen to the least.  I don't dislike it though, and it doesn't contain the one U2 song actually don't like (that's actually on one of my favorite albums, Pop.  The song is Miami, BTW, but that's something else).  Anyway, a song starts that I at first don't immediately recognize, and I said to myself, "hmm, that melody is pretty."

The song was White as Snow.  I probably hadn't heard that song in over a year, and suddenly I had a whole new appreciation for it.

(And just so you know, I've given Miami multiple chances...for some reason, I still don't like it.)

So, you know, that album you didn't like, or that song that you just didn't vibe with that first time you heard it, give it another listen.  You might change your mind.  You might not, but you never know.

Next post should be coming much sooner, and its a really lighthearted one.  Its also a wee bit embarrassing for me, but you know, that's a part of life.

More Love More Peace

I’ve rewritten this a few times now, and each time I delete it all because it just doesn’t sound right, or it isn’t coming out right.  This summer, and much of this year has been plagued with stories of shootings and massacres, of violence against others that are feared or touted as different from one group or another.  Hate has been rhetoric of choice.

It shouldn’t be.  

“Love drives out all fear”

“Love makes strange enemies

Makes love where love may place

The soul in its striptease

Hate brought to its knees”

“I’ve seen for myself

There’s no end to grief

That’s how I know

That’s how I know

And why I need to know that there is no end to love”

One of the things I always loved about U2’s music was the light that was inside of it.  Even in the darkest one, there was always a small spark.  It always helped me through my darkest times…but you already know that, I’ve mentioned it more than once.

Not long after what happened in Orlando, one of my friends down there, Del Marco, who works in the media industry, wanted to try to get something started to combat all the negative emotions that have been swirling around.  He thought about starting a rally, first online, and then hopefully getting one in person called #MoreLoveMorePeace.

He wants to get the message out that its shouldn’t matter what your color or creed or sexual orientation or anything like that is, that we should all love each other.  And, I don’t want to put words in his mouth, but, if we all love each other, then why would we be fighting against each other than?  Why would we be throwing all of this hate at each other?  And, in there, is the More Peace.

I thought it was a great idea, and in some small way I wanted to help.  So I told him (all over Facebook) that I would try to come up with a logo if he would like.  It wasn’t much that i could do, but I guess it was something.

There is an old saying that goes “Better to light a candle than curse the darkness.”

I’m really hoping that this candle burns very bright indeed.

BEAUTIFUL DAY

I have been trying to finish the entry that I wanted to post over a week ago, and haven’t been able to, when I was out to do my weekly chore of mowing the lawn.  I brought my iPod with me this time, and started a random playlist.  The second song to play was ‘Beautiful Day’ and I just had this wave wash over me.  

Now, I’ve heard this song a million times; I even know all the words to it, but that other day I could really feel it.  There are so many times when I feel so lost-between my illness and not knowing when or if the headaches will ever be controlled, and if they are, what happens after.  I know there are a lot of people who have it a lot worse than I do.  I never want anyone’s pity or anything like that, but I can’t help that there are times when I have these feelings.

That day that I was out mowing was a beautiful day; it wasn’t too hot and wasn’t too cool, which is rare for a July in Pennsylvania.  The sky was a bright blue with barely any clouds and the humidity was low, it was almost a perfect day, weather-wise. I was able to stop and actually look around and admire that. 

Sometimes, its nice to be reminded that its ok to not have all the answers.  Its ok to just take it one day at a time, and occasionally take delight in the beauty God gives you in a perfect summer day.  

WE NEED TO CARRY EACH OTHER

So much has happened this week around the world.  I’m not political by nature, at least not in the way this country sees it.  I have this crazy notion that you can talk to others even if you have a different point of view and it doesn’t have to become a screaming match.  I’m also an independent.  I live in the center; I believe in compromise and understanding.  Sometimes here, those things sound like dirty words.  

I used to live in Orlando, for a few years.  I worked at Disney World during that time.  That whole area was one of the most accepting and open places I have ever lived.  

In the span of a week, 49 souls who just wanted to go out, dance and have a good time were taken from this world. “Folks the rest of us won’t get to know”.  An innocent boy died in a tragic accident.  A politician who by all accounts that I could find was trying to make her country a better place was senselessly murdered. 

It’s just…its a lot.  

So, I’ll just leave you with this.  It helped me a little, maybe it will help you:

CATHARSIS

How many people come here to read this?  I’m not really sure.  Really it doesn’t matter, that’s not why I write it.  I started writing this blog because I wanted a place to explain how the bands music has affected me and how thankful I am for having it in my life.  

I think of that and I just remember when I was 12-13 years old and I would come home and be so upset, I could be on the verge of tears, so I would go over to the stereo, put my disc of The Joshua Tree in, and my headphones in the jack, and I would play ‘One Tree Hill’. With my eyes closed, the pain and emotion in that song would flow through me and wash all of mine away.  

If that was the only thing that their music had ever done for me, that would be enough, but its been there for me so many other times, in good times as well as bad.  

So this past week I was wondering wether or not if I should keep writing because I was dealing with a little bit of my depression creeping in.  Then I thought about this. So I’ll keep writing.  

TGFA- THANK GOODNESS FOR ADAM

I just want to take this opportunity  say thank goodness for Adam embracing the band’s social media accounts.  He has by far posted the most recently, and just last week gave us an about 20 second clip of a new song. It seems like at least once a week there’s a post that either Check out this art or This is my view today (pic of fascinating location) or my favorite recent one was where he missed his flight and grabbed a stand by coach seat.  

My mom has thought that Bono is my favorite because I talk about wishing about meeting him.  Well, he has the highest meeting probability, at least that’s what I assume.  Bono’s usually the one out there that everyone sees, but hey, he’s the frontman, that’s kinda his job, right?  Truth is, I don’t have a favorite member of the band, I don't think I could.  Adam though, he’s just so cool.  But coolness though, its a state of mind.  He’s cool because he’s comfortable in his own skin, he’s open and relaxed.  I aspire to be like that some day; I’m working towards it.  I may never achieve Adam level coolness, but one can hope.

So thank goodness for Adam, for taking us fans on the journey with him.  

FOR MEMORIAL DAY

Today is Memorial Day in the United States of America (a holiday originally called Decoration Day, and set aside to remember those who died in service to the country and those that served in the military).  There was a passage in Bill Flanagan’s book U2 At The End of the World that came to mind yesterday when I was thinking about today, and it had to do with the performances of  ‘Bullet the Blue Sky’ and ‘Running to Stand Still’ during the Zoo TV tour.  Bono played them as a soldier in a war zone.  Specifically, he played them as Jerry Mele, their head of security from 89-97.  I remember watching it and feeling the power of the performance, but then reading that and finding the story behind it, it gave it a whole new aspect to it.  

If you don’t know anything about Jerry, look him up, he was an interesting man. Even if you just read about him in Flanagan’s book, that will give you a glimpse. Sadly, while doing his job for the band during the PopMart tour in Mexico City, Jerry was badly beaten and had to retire.  He passed away last month.  

Rest in Peace Jerry Mele. 

THE TALE OF THE ANGELS

          

This image kind of has a life of its own.  The original is the framed one, which is an etched print I had made for a printmaking class in college in winter/spring 2001.  At the time, I had these angel themed songs going through my head, ‘If God Will Send His Angels’ was a big one, but I was also hearing Robbie Williams’ ‘Angel’ (don’t judge).  This image formed in my mind and when we had an assignment to do two metal plate etchings-one just with tools, one with an acid and a medium to impede it- I decided that this was the chance  to finally make that piece.  For me it turned out, well, alright.  Its not fantastic but its ok.  The feeling is definitely there.  

Now normally with me that would be it.  I got the piece done (wether it be artwork, writing, what have you) and when I’ve gotten it out of me and out in the world (so to speak) then its done and I’m not thinking about it, or trying to figure out how to change it, etc.  I kept thinking about this one.  I would practice drawing the figures over and over in sketchbooks.  

So three years pass and How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb comes out and they announce the dates for the Vertigo tour.  For once I have some money saved because I’m working at a job that actually paid me more than minimum wage (sadly, it was temporary, but it was one of the best I had.).  I knew I could afford to see them more than once.  I really wanted to make something to give to them in the off chance I would be able to meet one of them outside of the venue.  When I tried to figure out what I wanted to make, this image came to mind yet again, because really, it spoke perfectly how their music has affected me.  

So I started working on a new version.  Its black Canton drawing paper and white Prismacolor pencil (which are an oil based artists colored pencil.  They are fantastic, a little pricey but fantastic.).  I worked on it for months just trying to get it to look perfect, and hoping to give it to one of them at the concert I was going to see that May in 2005 (May 14 in Philadelphia).  My close friend from college Ana was coming down to go with me to the show.  We had seats instead of GA so I thought maybe we’d have a chance?  Yeah, it wasn’t to be, but the show was great, as was the Vertigo Tour, in my humble opinion.  We also had a great time. ‘Yahweh’ and ’40’ live are something special, let me tell you.  

Anyway (boy I use that word a lot) the picture was still in my possession.  It actually lived in my car, hidden behind my front seat where the sun couldn’t fade it, for months.  Then the news came that the boys were coming around again to Philly in the fall, so I got another ticket.  This time it was GA (general admission).  This was the first time I was ever going to a concert by myself, and yeah, I was a little nervous about that.  One downside was that I had to work and then church beforehand so there was no getting in line early, an upside was that I had made some friends in the Zoo (Zootopia fan community part of u2.com.   Other than the ones that I’ve received permission from, I’m only going to refer to them by their usernames.).  One in particular Sectionbgirl97 (or SBG) and I started talking to each other before the show a bit and she said she would save me a spot in line since she was going by herself as well.  There was also Teresa (Miss Recee) and ServoU2 and one of the sweetest people ever, the late Noreen that I met up with when I got there and I brought provisions to.  I figured if I couldn’t get there when the 4 of them did, the least I could do was bring drinks and snacks.  I’m still good friends and in contact with Recee.  

I explain all of this because it goes along with the rest of the story about the picture.  Sectionbgirl and I stuck together, because she was the one with the number for our place in line, and she said she knew where to go to see if the band had gotten to the venue yet.  I thought that was cool so we went.  While we were standing over there she saw another friend she had and her father (unfortunately I don’t remember what her name was, but this was 11 years ago.).  I wound up seeing Joe O’Herlihy drive past and I fangirled a little (because I guess I’m that kind of a fan.  But hey, he’s been their sound guy FOREVER so I was just like IT’S JOE!).  

That’s not where the night got weird though.  And when I say weird, I mean “Did I just step into the twilight zone?” type of weird, because really, things like this don’t usually happen to me.  See, SBG got her name because that was where she was sitting when she got pulled up on stage to dance with Bono when she was at a U2 show.  She’s been to a number of shows and has actually met Bono’s minder during the show and the tour’s usual head carpenter, not to mention the Bono’s cousin, AJ Rankin. Now, I don’t know if he actually remembered her when she walked up to him or if he was just being nice, but he did stop to talk to her.  Then she called both her other friend and the girl’s father as well as me over.  Yup, my anxiety kicked in because I gave a polite hello but I couldn’t talk after that, I just kind of awkwardly stood there with my matted picture in my hand (I didn’t have it framed, but I did have it matted.) SBG’s other friend, bless her, didn’t have my social issues and was much more talkative.  She had an envelope she wanted to give to Bono with info about money a group she was involved with had raised for an African charity. 

 This is where I have to really talk about how wonderful and kind Mr. AJ Rankin is.  When she asked if he could take it back for her, he was a little iffy about it, and he said that she wouldn’t get it back.  She said it was ok, she didn’t want it back.  He’d said something to the effect of that he really shouldn’t, but it was only something small so he would do it.  He then looked over at the silent one of the group (aka me) and saw the picture in my hand.  The following interaction went something like this.

AJ: “That’s beautiful.”

Me:(sounding like a dork) “Thanks, I made it for the band.”

SBG’s friend: “She doesn’t want it back either!”

At that moment I was like ‘OMG what is happening, because I’m actually shaking as I hand it over to him because he said he’d take it back with him too. There was a note attached to the picture, but I never put any email or contact info on it (maybe not the smartest idea, but its not like I’d actually hear back from them anyway if they saw it).  I feel indebted to him now.  

So that’s the story of the angel.  I haven’t tried to go back to the image again.  I don’t know if I’m done with it or not.  Time will tell I guess.  There are always images I go back to that I tinker with, I guess this is one of them.  The meaning behind it is definitely one of the reasons why.  

SOME DAYS ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS

Some days are better than others.  Sometimes some weeks, months, years…well, you get the picture.  This is probably the quickest of these stories/essays that I’ve written.  And the title has more than one meaning. I’ve been trying to put out one of these once a week, usually on a Saturday.  It was good for me to have a set schedule.  It wasn’t so easy this week.

It has been raining nearly non stop for the past two weeks where I live.  When we finally had two non raining days in a row, I was able to get out and mow the lawn that was starting to look like we were trying to grow hay.  So either my headaches were amped up because of the weather or  exerting myself sucks all the energy out of me.  Six to one, half dozen to the other.  In fact, I was out earlier today mowing again (we have 4 acres here). But anyway, that’s life.  I’m not saying any of this to make you feel bad for me.  There are millions upon millions of people in this world who have it worse than I do.  I was just explaining why I was late this week.  

I have to tell you, though, Zooropa has been one of my favorite albums since it came out.  It was one of the first albums I was able to buy right after it came out.  I even remember the record store where I bought it.  It was down the shore in Ocean City, New Jersey (USA) on their boardwalk.  The place was called Tunes on the Dunes and you could find new releases and rare little gems (like when I procured the Desire single.).  Its a shame privately owned places like that aren’t really around anymore.  I miss that place.  

But to get back on topic, I was totally into Zooropa the first time I heard it.  To me, it was almost as if I was Alice and it was my Wonderland and I could go there every time I listened to it.  Almost every song was a filled with these bright or crazy color combinations (the CD and album artwork didn’t hurt in creating that illusion.  Kudos to the graphic designers).  I loved nearly every song (I was a little iffy on Daddy’s Gonna Pay for Your Crashed Car at first) since the first listen.  

And that’s where we get to Some Days are Better Than Others.  The album came out in July 1994, and so I was just shy of turning 14 (2 months away) and when I heard that song I once again thought ‘Yes! They understand what its like to be me!’ because as we all know 13 was never a great age for anyone.  And trust me here, anyone who thinks they have it all figured out when they are a teenager is either lying to themselves are really naive.  Either that or they are one of those super geniuses that invent something when they are like, 11 and make millions of dollars and then can do whatever they want to for the rest of their life, but that almost never happens.  

You try to find the good days within the bad and when you don’t want to get out of bed, kick yourself out and do it anyway.  I have to do this almost every day.  

Some days are better than others.

Thank you

For this blog's 100 views.  It's all because you decided to come back again to read what I posted.  Thank you.

STUCK IN A MOMENT YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF

There is your life before you experience suicide and then after.  And both, emotionally, are radically different.  Beforehand you logically know someone taking their own life is, and you can imagine what it would feel like if you knew someone who did that, but it is all hypothetical.  Even if you’ve known someone who has died, it still isn’t the same. Because that death, whether it was from natural causes or, God forbid, because of a violent act, it wasn’t because of that person’s choice.  

I can still recall the day I found out my best friend was dead.  Out of respect for her family and her memory, I will refer to her only as T (I guess I should disclose first that T was bipolar. I have no idea if this had anything to do with the outcome or not.). T and I met when we both worked in Florida at the same place.  We both had the same quirky sense of humor and had similar interests.  We just got each other.  Even after I got sick and had to move back home, we would text each other or talk on some kind of internet messenger every day. I learned it second hand from a mutual friend of both of ours when she committed suicide.  He’d posted something on social media but it was kinda cryptic, and the fear started to creep through my veins.  I picked up my phone and started texting people, first T, but I wasn’t getting any answers.  So then I started with other people we both knew, including him.  He was the first one who answered.  I remember asking him what was wrong, and knowing that it was about T.  He said it was, and that she was dead.  They’d found her at her home.  That’s still all I know.  I never found out how she’d done it.  I was told there were notes, but I was never told what was in them.  When the news hit me, it felt like my insides went cold, and then I started freaking out.  The tears started falling, and I went to find my mom to tell her.

The days after I got in touch with her aunt (who also lived in Florida) and found out when the funeral would be. My mom and I made arrangements to fly down that morning for it and then fly back that day right after.  But its all the time after that when everything starts to sink in and it really started to affect me.  I mean I was already starting to feel the guilt and pain when I heard it happened, of course I did.  When they played Amazing Grace at the funeral I remember that was when the dams broke and I just started crying after being able to keep my composure most of the day.  Its just, when you have the time after and you know you’re never going to hear from them again. Its that time when you replay everything in your head and you realize that those stages of grief actually exist.

I’ve dealt with death before, more than I care for to be honest, but until T’s death, I’d never really experienced someone taking their life on purpose (drug overdose excluded.  That was less purposeful and more accidental), someone deciding that they just didn’t want to live anymore and that that was it.  The rest were from disease, old age, etc.  I kept thinking to myself that maybe if I had kept my phone on me maybe she could have texted me and wouldn’t have done it, even though I was 2000 miles away.  Maybe I could have texted or called one of our mutual friends and told them to keep an eye on her.  All these questions would constantly flood my brain.

I couldn’t listen to Stuck In A Moment for about two weeks to a month after it happened.  I kept going to listen to it, but my finger would hover over the play button and I couldn’t hit it.  I’d known what the song was about for a while, I think a lot of fans did (for those who don’t, Bono wrote the lyrics about the death of his friend, the lead singer of INXS Michael Hutchence).  I knew it was going to hurt when I listened to it and I wasn’t ready for it, and then when I finally did listen to the song, it was weird because I expected to cry but I didn’t.  I did feel that emptiness of loss and understood all the words that were being sung.  

Three years on, though, the song keeps having more impact on me whenever I listen to it.  More of the lyrics keep meaning more to me. 

There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard

I'm just trying to find a decent melody

A song that I can sing in my own company

Those opening lines speak to me now more than ever.  Who I am now, what I’ve become, maybe what everything up until now in my life has made me, I’m not quite sure.

I will not forsake, the colours that you bring

But the nights you filled with fireworks

They left you with nothing

I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me

I still listen through your ears, and through your eyes I can see

T could very much be like a rainbow on a stormy day.  And when I say that we just got each other, we really just, well, did.  We could be silly together but we could tell each other anything.  I know I said all of this before, but I feel like I have to mention it again.  She left me changed for the better.

Could I have the argument with T that the person in the song is having with their friend?  I have that conversation with myself almost daily.  I know that she isn’t in the agony she used to be in anymore, she isn’t dealing with the constant change in meds, but I can’t help but wonder if she just held on for a little longer if it could have just gotten better.  

I was unconscious, half asleep

The water is warm till you discover how deep...

I wasn't jumping... for me it was a fall

It's a long way down to nothing at all

I’ve been really low, especially when I was at the point where I was really sick and I could barely get out of bed.  I would think that I would be better off if I was dead.  I never got to the point where I would actually take my life, though.  I don’t know why.  

You've got to get yourself together

You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better now

You're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it

I do sometimes wish she could have heard this song, though.  

People say you can talk someone out of doing it, committing suicide, now I’m not so sure.  When someone has finally made up their mind that they are going to do it, I’m not sure how much talking and counseling is going to help change their mind ultimately.  I hope to God that I am wrong about that.  Maybe that’s just me trying to appease my guilty conscious about not being able to save T. What I do know is that once you have known someone who has killed themselves, it changes your life forever.  You always carry a piece of them with you,but instead of a polished stone or a photograph, it feels more like a shard or shadow.  

KITE

 Back in 2005, when the Vertigo tour was was spreading its love across the world and leaving us all dizzy in the best way possible, Zootopia, or the Zoo as we affectionately call it (the U2 fan club forum for those whom don’t know) was a hot place to be.  I’ll admit, I tried to fit in with everyone, but once again, I learned that if I was just myself, it was better than if I tried to be who people wanted me to be.  

Anyway, one member of the forum decided to start a be creative contest of sorts, where they would pick a song, and you had to do something creative dealing with that song, be it visual, writing, etc.  The first one I participated in was for “Kite”.  The image above is what came to my head when I listened to the song, and I didn’t think much about it at the time, but I remember that I received a number of positive comments on it when I posted it.  Its only after the years have passed and I’ve looked at it have the symbolism behind it started to dawn on me.

See, my dad died when I was six years old.  I remember bits and pieces about him, but I don’t really remember much.  I know I have his hair, and his eyes, and his patience. I’ve asked questions about him since, to try to find out more about what I don’t know. I do remember that we were really close.  At first, with the picture, I wondered why I had put that tree there.  I had thought that it was just to balance it out.  I only recently realized it was because it is a simplified version of the hill he used to take my sister and I sledding down.  It was a tip of Fairmount Park in Philly that was right across the street from the Philadelphia Museum of Art where there was a small grouping of trees and then a big opening.    The child’s so young I supposed because I was tapping into my innocence from back then.  

Now here’s the story that kind of brings it all together, that I didn’t even remember.  My mom told me about this just recently, and when she said it, I was kind of taken aback and was once again reminded of me painting this.  Maybe it was stuck in my subconscious somewhere and came out, who knows.  It was 1984 or so, and our family, with my mom’s sister and her family were down The Shore (slang for South New Jersey beaches) and the adults (my parents, aunt and uncle and my dad’s brother, my Uncle John) thought it would be a great idea to fly kites off of the back deck of the house we were renting.  There were also six girls all under ten years old around and no one had any idea what they were doing.  Fun was had, but the kites didn’t have a chance as they flipped onto the roof (apparently among other places) and were lost.  

“In summer I can taste the salt in the sea

There's a kite blowing out of control on a breeze

I wonder what's gonna happen to you

You wonder what has happened to me”

Yeah.

JOY AND LOVE

Many of these stories that I’m telling are emotional and deal with a lot of painful things, but especially after what’s happened this past week, I wanted to share a two stories that are filled with pure joy.  

All four of the boys have talked about how when they walk on stage the hair on the back of their necks stand on end.  I know its not just them, because its happened to me at their concerts.  I can’t be the only one-I’m sure I’m not.  My first U2 concert in person was when I was 16 years old.  It was PopMart Philly, at Franklin Field on June 8, 1997.  I had one of the farthest seats from the stage that someone could get, but you know what? it didn’t matter.  It was an amazing experience.  The giant screen, the 40 ft. lemon, singing along to karaoke with the Edge and the other 50,000+ people that were there.  But there was one moment that night that stayed with me that had me transfixed.  It was during Pride, and when we were all singing the “whoa oh oh oh” part, the screen was showing Bono.  He stopped, closed his eyes and spread his arms out and at least for me it felt as if all of us there in the audience ceased to be individuals for one moment and became one for just a moment.  You could feel the love radiating from everyone.  It was an amazing experience.

I’d been chasing that moment since, and frankly, I started to believe that I’d experienced it only because it was my first U2 concert.  That’s not saying that the others I went to weren’t fantastic experiences in themselves; they were.  I have great memories of them-especially from the Vertigo tour.  But that moment of awe that I had in ’97 that took my breath away hadn’t happened again, at least not until last year.  

July 22 my friend Dre and I, along with two of her friends, went up to the U2i+e show at MSG (in Madison Square Garden New York City for those that don’t know).  I was already a ball of almost raw emotion to start with because before Dre had bought the tickets I was pretty sure that I wouldn’t be seeing them live again, maybe ever.  I’m not working (I’m on disability until I can get these headaches to go away. I may just throw a freakin’ party when they do. Low budget of course, but still a party.).  I don’t have that much money, and certainly not that I could use to go to a rock show, so the fact that she said she’d buy the ticket for me and that I was going already had me a little sentimental.  For anyone who has seen an iNNOCENCE + eXPERIENCE show you know that it is already one of their best tours to date and is marvelous (or at least was to this fan). I had to sit down half the time, but I was still singing along to every word like everyone else around me, and that leads to that moment.  

It was during One, which wound up being the last song of the show. We just started singing along from the start and we didn’t stop.  There was all this love that was being radiated from the audience and it felt like it was coming right back from the band as well. I had that same kind of feeling like I did 18 years before, and this time I had a knot in my throat.  There were a few times when I almost started crying (I’m almost embarrassed to say) during the show, and that was the time I got the closest.  I don’t know if it has been the same at other shows (I know it was like that at the live Paris show, but that was also a special show in itself), and honestly, I kind of don’t want to know.  Even if the crowd sings along with One at every show though, having been to multiple shows at one tour (Vertigo, the only tour that happened on), you could have the same setlist at two shows and it could still feel different going to both.  

These will always be two moments of pure joy and love that I still carry with me and always will.  

Rest in Peace Prince.

2016 took another musical genius today.  I can say I'm completely gobsmacked.  Rest in Peace Prince.  Heaven just got a bit more funkier.

Rest In Peace Mr. Garvin Evans

My prayers go out to Edge and his family for the passing of his father over the weekend.  May he rest in peace and sing with the angels.

ACROBAT

“Don’t believe what you hear

Don’t believe what you see

If you just close your eyes

You can feel the enemy”

 Can you call a 12 year old a hypocrite?  Are you mature enough at that age to get that concept and everything it entails?  If the answer is yes, then I guess I was one. 

 When I was 8, my family moved from our neighborhood in Philly called Fairmount to this small town about an hour north which shall remain anonymous for a few reasons.  And when I say small, I mean small.  Most of it was a widening in the state road that ran through it.  We moved into one of these new row house developments that were being built that became popular in the 90’s.  I didn’t always deal very well with change.  One reason for this (I was told) was because it was a symptom of my having ADD/ADHD (when I was diagnosed in 1987, the two were separate diagnoses.  I happen to have the non hyperactive type.).  Whatever the reason is, when school started, my being in a new place and being around new people…well…adjusting was difficult, and I acted out a little.  Forget trying to sugar coat it-I acted weird a few times by getting way too upset over silly things.  Needless to say, for bullying, I was an easy target, and the kids I went to school with had long memories.

I didn't really have friends.  I had the idea that if a new kid would come in that maybe I could be friends with them, but then the other kids would tell them how weird I was and what I did, and then I was alone again.  I’d made one friend when I was in elementary school and through her I kind of had friends that were her friends, but that was short lived when she thought I liked the same guy she did and she spread a rumor through the school about me (easy pickings, and geez, how junior high is that?! Which guess where it happened.  Yup, junior high.  Something I swear was invented by the devil, but I digress).  There was that old adage that they would tell children “ignore them and it will go away.”  Maybe they still say it, but they shouldn’t.  So I guess I was trying to take that to an extreme.  I wouldn’t react to the bullies, or at least that’s how I perceived it.  I’d keep my head down and just try to avoid everyone.  I didn’t want to burden my mom with my problems, which I was sure were petty compared to hers, what with raising two daughters on her own and working full time, so I never told her what was going on with me. 

“And I must be an acrobat

To talk like this

And act like that”

I write all of this as an explanation for what I’m going to tell you next.  So the question still remains, was I a hypocrite? I guess that’s up to interpretation.  I always thought that I was just trying to survive (mentally).  

Bono has said that the song Acrobat is about a hypocrite (link here. Starts at 0:16), but to me, it was a lifeline.  It was like he was singing directly to me; like he was saying, “don’t listen to them, listen to the music”.  I would sit on the bus with my headphones on, Achtung Baby in my  tape player player, my eyes closed and when this song would come on, I would make sure all the other sounds around me were drowned out so that the song was all I could hear.  

“And you can dream

So dream out loud

I know that the tide is turning round

So don’t let the bastards grind you down”

I became even more of a dreamer, and that was another type of an escape for me.  To me, it was like the boys (that’s what a at least some of us fans will refer to the band as; I don’t know why, but we do) were saying that it was ok, and sometimes those dreams can come true.  I always tried to be an optimist when I was young. It wasn’t until I grew up that my cynicism took hold (and how).  Maybe I could take my love of Disney that I had my whole life and my ability to draw and become an animator or work for one of develop attractions for them as an imagineer (tried, didn’t happen, another story for another time).   I would doodle all the time in notebooks or on the covers we had to have on our textbooks. And there it was again: don’t listen to the ones that are pushing you down, it doesn’t matter. 

“And you can dream

So dream out loud

And you can find

Your own way out”

Even in their darkest songs, there is always light.  I grabbed onto the light and I didn’t let go

OUT OF CONTROL

“The two biggest things in your life, when you’re born and when you die, you have no control over,” is how the quote from Bono goes, or something close to that at least.  It gets the point across, though.  And that was the whole premise of the song “Out of Control”.  You have no control over being born, and you have no choice about dying either; its going to happen whether you like it or not.  So when you’re standing at the beginning of everything sometimes you’re really optimistic and you think you have everything under control, and sometimes, well, you don’t.  

There’s an old quote that’s attributed to Woody Allen that says: 

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”

The original is actually a Yiddish proverb which is (depending on how you translate it):
“.דער מענטש טראַכט און גאָט לאַכט”

“Man plans and G-d laughs (or Man proposes and G-d disposes.).”

That’s…surprisingly true.  You can convince yourself that things are going to happen a certain way but more than likely it doesn’t work out the way you planned.

I was far too mature during my teenage years, the only bad thing I would really do is forget to do my homework.  I never even had a drink until I was 21 (and no, I’ve never been drunk, but that is another story.).  I was sure I could get a job in the field I wanted (film.  There was a growing film industry in Philadelphia) and I was going to go to a school that looked good for learning that trade.  I thought I was pointing myself in the right direction and I didn’t need to go do stupid stuff like getting drunk at parties that I wasn’t invited to anyway.  I wasn’t popular by a LONG shot, but by that point I was fine as long as I was basically ignored (it was far better than the bullying I had endured for years).  On the weekends I was content to sit at home with my music, see the occasional movie with one of my few friends, or was my tv shows. In college I had a small group of loyal friends and our idea of a good time was getting Chinese take out and watch movies in one of our dorm rooms, or visiting whichever of us was doing extra time in whichever art studio that night/weekend.  The whole time I was convinced that my future was going to be pretty good.

Then I graduated from college and that adage came around, because life turned to me and said, “Hey, guess what, I got other ideas.”

No one wanted to hire me, even outside of the film industry.  I sent out probably over 100 resumes to every company in the Philadelphia Film Bureau book (I think at the time there were about 60 or so), then to any company in the area that was hiring entry level, be it the plethora of insurance, paper pushing, etc companies that are all over the place around where i live.  I tried it for over six months and got nothing except for one meeting where they met with me and afterward they said, “well actually, we don’t really need you.”  Yeah, thanks, I just took over an hour ride for nothing. I should have said that out loud to him before I walked out, but I was always taught to not burn bridges.  I would probably have felt better, though.  

Anyway, I needed to get some kind of job, so I did the retail thing, the food service thing, I worked at an animal hospital (and found out I was allergic to cats), I was a seasonal worker for the government (the IRS…yeah, that was interesting to say the least), moved to Florida and worked in customer service…I have had so many different types of jobs and specific training for them that I have gained a lot of useless information.  

My twenties was when I hit my “Out Of Control” moments.  That’s when that song really hit me.  That moment when your past is leading you and leaving you but you know you aren’t at the end yet.  

I’m halfway through my thirties now, and I’m still trying to figure it out, but it isn’t such a cluster bomb in my head anymore. 

“I fought fate

There’s blood at the garden gate

The Man said Childhood

It’s in his childhood

One day I’ll die

The choice will not be mine

Will it be too late

You can’t fight fate.”

You can’t beat it maybe, but I’m going to try to fight for my life one day at a time.  

I guess that’s perspective.

Who knows.  

Revival

Sometimes its hard for me to put into words what I'm feeling.

U2 and their music has been such a part of my life for so long, over half of my life, that I it has been hard to explain why all of it is important to me and what they've done for me.  So I started this blog to try to explain that.

And it was going the way I had planned it.  I was at a loss for words too many times.  Truth is, I stopped writing in general.  It lasted for a while.  Its only in the last two weeks or so that I've been able to put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard) again.  I was able to put my heart on my sleeve again.
Hopefully posts will come at once a week.