I know I haven't posted in a while.
The thing is, I want these blogs to be a place of light, or at least a place where there is mostly positivity and frankly, I haven't been feeling to positive lately. I need to find a new neurologist because after seeing the current one for almost two years he still has no idea who I am or what my condition is (and I have to remind him every time I see him). Friends from the past have moved on, and I honestly don't blame them in the slightest. My life was essentially put on hold when I was 29 years old, while theirs continued to go on. I may still be aging, but I'm stuck in a kind of limbo. It is always frustrating when I can't plan for things when I don't know how I'm going to feel ahead of time.
Anyway the person I get most annoyed and frustrated with is myself. That doesn't do my mood any good. So I haven't been very talkative. And well, the holidays haven't always been the best (my dad died 30 years ago this year on the 23rd. Last year I had a spinal tap a few days after Christmas and wound up with a low pressure headache and couldn't sit up until well into January. So those are just two examples.). I try to have that feeling, but sometimes it seems like the harder I do, the less it comes.
But I am incredibly lucky. Something happened a few weeks ago, and I feel the need to share it because it helps explain just how lucky I actually am. I went with my sister and brother in law down to the Christmas Village they had set up in the city (around city hall this year, which was actually a great location.). While we were walking around, a man stopped me and was asking me to donate to this children's charity. When I said to him, "I'm sorry, I wish I could, but I'm on disability; I can't afford it." he looked at me like he didn't quite believe me, but still left me with a "Well, God bless you and have a Merry Christmas."
I felt a little like Scrooge from A Christmas Carol. But, its the truth that I can't afford to help, and I don't blame him one bit if he didn't believe me, because looking down at my boots, clothes, and LL Bean wool coat, I probably wouldn't have believed me either. But the thing is, all those things? My mom bought them for me. If she hadn't, I'd be wearing clothes from when I was 100 lbs. heavier, I don't even remember what the coat looked like that I wore when I was that heavy, but it wasn't in great shape anymore, and shoes with holes in them. Not to mention that I don't get enough to live on, so I would be living on the streets myself if it wasn't for my family. For the approximately six months between when I had to leave my job and before I was approved for social security I didn't have any insurance, so my mom (and then at one point posthumously my stepdad) paid my medical bills.
So I owe everything to my mom and my family. I wouldn't be anywhere without them, and especially her.
