OUT OF CONTROL

“The two biggest things in your life, when you’re born and when you die, you have no control over,” is how the quote from Bono goes, or something close to that at least.  It gets the point across, though.  And that was the whole premise of the song “Out of Control”.  You have no control over being born, and you have no choice about dying either; its going to happen whether you like it or not.  So when you’re standing at the beginning of everything sometimes you’re really optimistic and you think you have everything under control, and sometimes, well, you don’t.  

There’s an old quote that’s attributed to Woody Allen that says: 

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”

The original is actually a Yiddish proverb which is (depending on how you translate it):
“.דער מענטש טראַכט און גאָט לאַכט”

“Man plans and G-d laughs (or Man proposes and G-d disposes.).”

That’s…surprisingly true.  You can convince yourself that things are going to happen a certain way but more than likely it doesn’t work out the way you planned.

I was far too mature during my teenage years, the only bad thing I would really do is forget to do my homework.  I never even had a drink until I was 21 (and no, I’ve never been drunk, but that is another story.).  I was sure I could get a job in the field I wanted (film.  There was a growing film industry in Philadelphia) and I was going to go to a school that looked good for learning that trade.  I thought I was pointing myself in the right direction and I didn’t need to go do stupid stuff like getting drunk at parties that I wasn’t invited to anyway.  I wasn’t popular by a LONG shot, but by that point I was fine as long as I was basically ignored (it was far better than the bullying I had endured for years).  On the weekends I was content to sit at home with my music, see the occasional movie with one of my few friends, or was my tv shows. In college I had a small group of loyal friends and our idea of a good time was getting Chinese take out and watch movies in one of our dorm rooms, or visiting whichever of us was doing extra time in whichever art studio that night/weekend.  The whole time I was convinced that my future was going to be pretty good.

Then I graduated from college and that adage came around, because life turned to me and said, “Hey, guess what, I got other ideas.”

No one wanted to hire me, even outside of the film industry.  I sent out probably over 100 resumes to every company in the Philadelphia Film Bureau book (I think at the time there were about 60 or so), then to any company in the area that was hiring entry level, be it the plethora of insurance, paper pushing, etc companies that are all over the place around where i live.  I tried it for over six months and got nothing except for one meeting where they met with me and afterward they said, “well actually, we don’t really need you.”  Yeah, thanks, I just took over an hour ride for nothing. I should have said that out loud to him before I walked out, but I was always taught to not burn bridges.  I would probably have felt better, though.  

Anyway, I needed to get some kind of job, so I did the retail thing, the food service thing, I worked at an animal hospital (and found out I was allergic to cats), I was a seasonal worker for the government (the IRS…yeah, that was interesting to say the least), moved to Florida and worked in customer service…I have had so many different types of jobs and specific training for them that I have gained a lot of useless information.  

My twenties was when I hit my “Out Of Control” moments.  That’s when that song really hit me.  That moment when your past is leading you and leaving you but you know you aren’t at the end yet.  

I’m halfway through my thirties now, and I’m still trying to figure it out, but it isn’t such a cluster bomb in my head anymore. 

“I fought fate

There’s blood at the garden gate

The Man said Childhood

It’s in his childhood

One day I’ll die

The choice will not be mine

Will it be too late

You can’t fight fate.”

You can’t beat it maybe, but I’m going to try to fight for my life one day at a time.  

I guess that’s perspective.

Who knows.