ACROBAT

“Don’t believe what you hear

Don’t believe what you see

If you just close your eyes

You can feel the enemy”

 Can you call a 12 year old a hypocrite?  Are you mature enough at that age to get that concept and everything it entails?  If the answer is yes, then I guess I was one. 

 When I was 8, my family moved from our neighborhood in Philly called Fairmount to this small town about an hour north which shall remain anonymous for a few reasons.  And when I say small, I mean small.  Most of it was a widening in the state road that ran through it.  We moved into one of these new row house developments that were being built that became popular in the 90’s.  I didn’t always deal very well with change.  One reason for this (I was told) was because it was a symptom of my having ADD/ADHD (when I was diagnosed in 1987, the two were separate diagnoses.  I happen to have the non hyperactive type.).  Whatever the reason is, when school started, my being in a new place and being around new people…well…adjusting was difficult, and I acted out a little.  Forget trying to sugar coat it-I acted weird a few times by getting way too upset over silly things.  Needless to say, for bullying, I was an easy target, and the kids I went to school with had long memories.

I didn't really have friends.  I had the idea that if a new kid would come in that maybe I could be friends with them, but then the other kids would tell them how weird I was and what I did, and then I was alone again.  I’d made one friend when I was in elementary school and through her I kind of had friends that were her friends, but that was short lived when she thought I liked the same guy she did and she spread a rumor through the school about me (easy pickings, and geez, how junior high is that?! Which guess where it happened.  Yup, junior high.  Something I swear was invented by the devil, but I digress).  There was that old adage that they would tell children “ignore them and it will go away.”  Maybe they still say it, but they shouldn’t.  So I guess I was trying to take that to an extreme.  I wouldn’t react to the bullies, or at least that’s how I perceived it.  I’d keep my head down and just try to avoid everyone.  I didn’t want to burden my mom with my problems, which I was sure were petty compared to hers, what with raising two daughters on her own and working full time, so I never told her what was going on with me. 

“And I must be an acrobat

To talk like this

And act like that”

I write all of this as an explanation for what I’m going to tell you next.  So the question still remains, was I a hypocrite? I guess that’s up to interpretation.  I always thought that I was just trying to survive (mentally).  

Bono has said that the song Acrobat is about a hypocrite (link here. Starts at 0:16), but to me, it was a lifeline.  It was like he was singing directly to me; like he was saying, “don’t listen to them, listen to the music”.  I would sit on the bus with my headphones on, Achtung Baby in my  tape player player, my eyes closed and when this song would come on, I would make sure all the other sounds around me were drowned out so that the song was all I could hear.  

“And you can dream

So dream out loud

I know that the tide is turning round

So don’t let the bastards grind you down”

I became even more of a dreamer, and that was another type of an escape for me.  To me, it was like the boys (that’s what a at least some of us fans will refer to the band as; I don’t know why, but we do) were saying that it was ok, and sometimes those dreams can come true.  I always tried to be an optimist when I was young. It wasn’t until I grew up that my cynicism took hold (and how).  Maybe I could take my love of Disney that I had my whole life and my ability to draw and become an animator or work for one of develop attractions for them as an imagineer (tried, didn’t happen, another story for another time).   I would doodle all the time in notebooks or on the covers we had to have on our textbooks. And there it was again: don’t listen to the ones that are pushing you down, it doesn’t matter. 

“And you can dream

So dream out loud

And you can find

Your own way out”

Even in their darkest songs, there is always light.  I grabbed onto the light and I didn’t let go